As I was reading “Wild” a vivid memory of a friend flashed
back to me. He was a friend I met on the road and travelled with. Then, just
like any other thought it flowed to another insight… as much as I’ve been
wishing to have a boyfriend, I definitely love my singlehood and the
experiences and freedom that come with it.
Before I got into my very first relationship, it took me a
lot of years of meeting, dating, and getting to know quite a few number of
guys. Disgracefully, I met most of them at a club, where I was my alter ego –
find a cutie, judge him by the way he dresses, by the people he is with, by the
his presence, talk to him, and if he seems to fit my subconscious criteria,
flirt, I’d like to think I did it with class, but some nights, remembering them
now didn’t seem too classy to my 27-year old self. YUCK. But the point was, I was
fearless in the club, I learned to deduct the possibility of rejection.
Fast forward to a few days after, when a guy would text me
or ask me out. When we’re back to our normal lives. I would become calculating,
conscious, and insecure alter. I’d mask it with the same confidence I had in the
dark. I thought too much, does he really like me or he just want to get into my
pants? I was preoccupied with not letting him fool me. My default reality was
that, since I met him in the club he can never be into me, me. He’s just trying
to sleep with me and I will not let him win the “game.”
I thought it to be a big game, where the smarter one wins. I
must’ve wasted a lot of potentials from that exhausting exercise, lots of great
perhaps.
If you are my friend, I’ve finally come up with an
explanation of the things I used to do that made you crazy! Here it is! But
also, you’ve probably heard me wish for this one guy whose story is a good one
to narrate during a wedding?? Well since I said it, there are actually a lot of
guys I went out with whose stories are worth narrating during a wedding. Wow, I’m
actually good at that. And yes, when I have a crush, I find my thoughts
wandering in a wedding reception – on a cliff, overlooking the vast sea, while
a special friend stands before everyone holding a mic in one hand and a
champagne glass on the other and narrates the story.
Now, I’m going ADD in this post. But what the hell. This is
the first time I’m going public on the matter of the heart. And I’m overdosing
with Pei Pa Koa.
Now the thought that flashed in my head while I was reading
the part of the book where the protagonist saw two black bears was… I’ve met a
lot of guys and I have a lot of good and kilig moments with them. That I
probably will not be able to experience if I’m with someone. And for that I am
lucky. Im smitten remembering them.
They are like scenes from books and movies. Time sometimes
really slow down or go fast.
1.
Right now, this is the most movie scene worthy
entry (that I am willing to disclose at this moment *hint, there are others
that are relevant right now, I just cant*): while on a slow running open car,
in the middle of giant ancient trees, running towards a vast grassland, the
wind blew so hard and so gentle at the same time that dried orange leaves,
probably the size of guava trees, fell artistically on us. It was like a dance well-choreographed.
It was, as the wind gentle, those falling in front of us and powerful those on
the sides. The leaves were actually dancing, like a boat floating in the water,
swayed to the right then curves to the left. I swear, I wished there was a big
speaker that played something for that moment, because it was just beautiful.
Add to that the fact that I was seated front row with this nice and proper
gentleman who is beautiful.
2.
Sipping coffee with a grand view while talking
about anything, occasionally complemented with good all-out laughter. It felt
so good that he made up a silly excuse to get his arms accidentally around you.
3.
Sneaking from an overnight to party with the guy
and his friends. While it annoys me how guys can act territorial, I find some
nuggets of cuteness from it. He tastefully grabbed me by the waist when he saw
some guys checking on me, then casually said hi to them.
4.
When somebody saved me from my stupidity.
5.
When I talked for hours with this guy’s dad and
eventually met him and totally crushed on him because he was travelling with
his dad and his dad was such a nice, intelligent and insightful man and I
thought him to be like that also. Their dynamics was beautiful, he was making
faces and calling out his dad in a playful manner, made me laugh.
6.
This one time when guys were trying to get us to
spend more time with them and they were obviously making up stories. This was
also the time I drove motorbike for us, it was lovely because I love riding
motorbikes.
7.
It was that time in my life when everything came
in waves, both love and work aspects of my life bailed on me. It was terrible;
I was in that stage when those were the only things important to one’s life. I couldn’t
take it anymore, one weekday, I decided that I need a good drink, a good cry
and a rest from everything and so I did. I went home, drank with my cousins
until 7am, cried in the process and left for the beach. This was mid week.
When I got to the spot, logically I thought
there will be no one because it was a Wednesday and this spot was not really
popular to hard core surfers and the forecast says flat. But then I asked the
local if somebody was there, and he said the name of this guy who I met in the
same spot a couple weeks back, who I honestly thought I’d never see again, and
who I formed a biggest fluffy ball of crush with. I WAS ECSTATIC!!
The whole place was to ourselves for 3
days. We had our separate tent, we’d wake up in the morning, eat breakfast
which some days he’d cook for me (as well as lunch and dinner), surf or paddle,
sit in the kubo opposite each other, talk, sleep in our separate shelters, have
lunch, surf or paddle, sit in the kubo opposite each other, talk, have dinner,
talk, have beer, sleep in our separate shelters. Repeat 3 times, with
variations on the cuteness – like eating ice cream or feeding cows, or hearing “this
is beautiful, even without the waves.”
On the last night, though we’ve talked so
much that we’ve formed a special and haunting attraction that could only be muzzled
by kisses. So on that night, he started planting scary thoughts in my head, I
took it to be his way to get me to share his tent with him. Of course I didn’t
say I got scared. After a bottle or two, we went to our tents like how we normally
did. This time though my brain kept me tossing and turning. Daring me to make
the move, YOLO, it demanded. And so I did, and that’s not the best part yet.
The best was as I stepped out of my tent which was probably 10 meters from his
tent, I saw him, he probably stepped out of his tent at the same time as I did
because we met in the middle! I was jumping hysterics in my head while I kept
my human body still and calm, hugging the pillow and blanket I brought with me.
I bet it took all his might not to show how cool he felt at that moment. A girl
walked to his tent with her pillow and blanket, she must want to sleep in his
tent. We tried to keep it cool, and I casually said Im scared, I handled it
like a beauty queen handles a difficult question. And he handled it pretty
well, he said he was walking towards the kubo which was far from his tent, to
shut the lights, which he didn’t do in the past 2 nights. We didn’t sleep in
his tent but he accompanied me in mine and made me feel safe, and of course we
made out and watched the stars and the boat lights on the horizon, which urban
legend says, “for my entertainment.” He held my hand and I will forever vividly
remember it.
Wow, that was quite a few. And still there are some things
popping out of my head. See, I would never have experienced these if I were in
a relationship. I’m not saying I don’t want to be in a relationship, because I
think if I were asked now which one I’d choose, I’d probably say I’d prefer to
be in a relationship with someone who’s a good match. I think I’ve pretty much
sampled what it’s like to be dating and meeting people. Now I want that someone
who’d be my plus one to weddings and dinners and beach trips and parties. And
that one whose arms I’d hug and that one who’d see and trek the Machu Picchu
with me. Hopefully now, that one will actually be just one person and not
several beautiful souls as narrated above.
Fuck, now I don’t know if I can artist this and actually
post online. This is very personal and I don’t like telling people what my
thoughts are. But I will brave this!
PS, not all stories are of guys I went out with. Some I just secretly formed a crush/attraction with.
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