Maybe I Should Start Regretting

One of the greatest things that happened during my year of unemployment is the uninterrupted and leisurely time I get to spend with family and friends and the shared processing of life events that came with it.

The subject that always comes up – dating life!

I have restrained my dating life. In the past year, I get to understand how I have wired myself in terms of heart matters. Although I try to charge on it, as I would in surf, travel, work and every other aspect of my life, dating is the aspect that I flake out on.

In my attempt not to go down the path of having my life revolve around another person, I have cultivated this mindset that I will find the love of my life as long as it is hassle-free and I will only keep the love of my life as long as sacrifice isn’t required. I have overdone it.

I felt that I have caught the best fish in the sea and I let them go without a fight. A good fight I would give for a wave. In surfing, I take waves on a critical, claim “MINE!” at the top of my lungs, and if somebody gets on the wave, he will have to hear my stuffed words of disappointment. If only I can migrate this kind of mindset to my dating life.

Instead, a surfing mentality I apply to dating is the ability to downplay every goodbye because there’s going to be beautiful waves. I never regret not doing the things I could’ve done to let a relationship flourish, because there will always be beautiful people and experiences after goodbyes. Maybe it’s time to regret.

I’ve been asked why I never got into long term relationships and I have been able to give answers that friends cannot argue with logic – priorities, responsibilities, logistics. But there must be some truth to what my friend called me out for, that in the onset; I design my potential relationships to have those endings. I am taking steps because I want to have a life partner, no more clauses and fine prints.

I regret that I didn’t wish for XX to stay. That I didn’t ask XX to fly a few more miles to visit. That I didn’t wish for XX that we date exclusively. That I played everything cool and that I was cool with everything.

I have seen the love of my life go. I have seen more lovers go. Who's to say none of them is the man I will share my life with? I have been wasting gems, I do not want to go through it again, at least I’ll give a good fight for the next love.

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