Finding Ground

2021 - I felt like I found my voice... back. And it feels liberating and light. I became comfortable in meetings, more talkative during get togethers, I talk to friends / family back home regularly and I sponteneously express my sense of humor. This state  of being is not new to me, before I moved to NYC, this was my default state. For friends who know me well, it's not easy to imagine a quite, unconfident, hesitant me. For the longest time, confidence has been one of my strongest traits. 

Most of my professional life, although slow-paced, I spontaneously speak my mind and share my story. Having lived life unapologethically made living void of easeness to express myself, both paradoxically unbearable and promising. 

Slight tangent here which also serves as context, I've known myself to jump into something without the full grasp of it - moving abroad is one, shifting to a completely different and highly technical career is another... I did them at the same time and I was caught off-guard, big time. That is not to say I did not do my homework of understanding what Im getting into, I think it's mostly because my imagination leans towards the posibility of things. The battleground mostly happened in my head. I was not mentally prepared for the challenges, mostly the change in dynamics of how things work, of how "priviledged" I was back home and how I was stripped off of those priveleges, suddenly. 

It was the network privileges - I did not have access to NYC professionals. 

Friend privileges - most of my closest Fordham friends left the city. Being in a big city with a billion things to do/see/eat becomes lonely without friends to explore it with. I suddenly don't have weekend surf adverntures and I had noone to get drinks with on days when I was sad -- although this turned out to be a blessing since I saved money from not going out. 

Regular calls with friends backhome

and friends here

Family privileges, having family to come home to when I'm tired or even just to hang out it with is something I really miss. I miss my neices the most! I remember there were days when I would day dream of the winding road and scenic drive to my hometown, which came with access to beach, nature, homecooked meals and laundry! 

I was lucky to have family here in the US

...and nieces

And endless other priveleges that come with being deeply grounded in a place - school brand, career accomplishments, stomping grounds, helpers, knowing and being comfortable with almost everything in your surroundings kind of priviledges. 

Biking to get around the city

I never fully internalized those things as I was preparing or even deciding to move. I also barely noticed the lack of all of these priveleges on my first year, primarily because school was fun and games - it felt like a playground, a safezone. The reality of life kicked in as job hunting became something I could not push further. 

As a foreigner, I had to find a job within 90 days or I get send back home. It was a lot of pressure, luckily I found a job that taught me most of what I know about analytics. But getting a job only earned me a ticket to stay in the US. I struggled transitioning to my new role. There were so many things to learn, skillwise as well as domain-wise. From being a seasoned professional to becoming a neophyte was something that played a big factor in my adjustment. At first, it got the best of me - I was self-loathing and I kept reliving my life my product manager life -- where everything clicks (I anticipate adjustments on business strategies as an effect on forex fluctuations or port congestions). I see how a piece of the business affects the whole and solve problems based on those connections.

I've always pride myself in being able to jump industries and learn the ropes fairly quickly. I also liked to think that surfing gives that quick adaptation time as we deal with different conditions, on a regular basis. In addition, I bring in fresh ideas from my previous industry to the new one. In my lala land, I created this parallelism in terms of learnig curve. Naturally I factored challenges from being new to analytics, but I understated the multiplier, by a lot. It was tough and it bled into my well being.

Tyler once pointed out that I tie my identity so tightly to my career - I found the comment hurtful but it struck a cord inside me. It took a while before I accepted that his observation was valid. Where am I going with this? My first year as a data analyst was not easy and tying that to what I just said, that same period in my personal life was not the best. I would catch myself dreaming of my old life or comparing my life to that of my peers. 

Tyler was the shock absorber during my grey daze, but we also share stoke

I became too hard on myself and the critic in me was up 24-7. I became self concious that I felt that I would say something wrong, or I'm the only person who think my jokes are funny, or my travel stories are not good/cool enough, or my insights are common sense, or my questions are silly. At work, I barely spoke. The only time I would feel comfortable to talk is meetings with Brian, Maisie and Dave. The idea of doing presentations make me want to skip work, I remember I'd always wish that something comes up so that I won't have to present. 

I had to realize all these things and take an outsider's perspective - what would I tell myself if my friend comes to me with my struggles. It was not as simpe as that. It was multiple tries at different aspect of my life - work, rest, play, fitness, mindfulness/meditation, gratitude, friends, family. 

I have created this pattern in my brain that in order to solve a bit and scary project, I need to break it down into pieces (I do this in mostly every task that I take on -- dishwashing / cleaning / etc). I followed a similar approach and applied the way of the Samurai -- if I do my best, the desired outcome should come (something like that), the focus is on my individual contribution, the things that I am in control of. Similar to the philosophy of the Stoics. 

I put time into creating

and building healthy habits...

... like karaoke

I convince my tropical island self to go to Rockaway and surf in a wetsuit with 500 people in the lineup

I still go out to party

I went regularly to the gym even if it's a hike! I meditated more regularly. I set up time to meet friends. I spoke more in meetings. I went to gatherings even if I hated going out and the idea of talking to people tires me. I cracked jokes. I became more forgiving to myself when I make mistakes. And at some point in between my tug of war with opposing forces - lazyness, self pity, persistence and longing to be better -  I found myself talking more and saying things without doubting whether it was valid. I found myself enjoying the things I used to do and it was a really great surprise to have found my ground again.